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Who You Calling A C*nt?

Was perusing an old hard drive last night when I came across some MP3s I didn’t recognise. They turned out to be a selection of comedy sketches, some Ben Elton for example, Eddie Izzard and Derek and Clive …. I’d forgotten about Derek and Clive, although of course it’s all a “bit before my time” whereas Ben Elton was at his height when I was in my late teens.

If you’ve not heard Derek and Clive (Peter Cook & Dudley Moore) you might on first hearing consider this to be simply puerile and offensive drivel but I don’t know I find something humorous about it, but I’m a bloke so puerile and lavatory humour, well you get the idea. So anyway, Derek and Clive (according to my wife, she being significanlty older than me and remembering it so much better from the time) caused merry hell at the time and the complaints came streaming in, although I guess it wouldn’t cause so much outrage now as it did then. However, one sketch might, due to the fact that many people object to word “cunt.” This of course is called the “cunt Sketch” (how appropriate I guess.) Puerile? Offensive? Sure, but still funny and superb in its austere minimalism and at least they were funny unlike that total cunt Frankie Boyle 😉

Here it is, in it’s glory:

Dud: I tell you, the other day, some bloke came up to me, I dunno who it was, an’ he said, “You cunt.”

Pete: Yeah.

Dud: I said, “Wot?” ‘E said: “You cunt.”

Pete: Yeah, and you replied, “You fuckin’ cunt.”

Dud: I said … well, no, not straight away … I said: “You cunt,” I said …

Pete: Yeah, yeah …

Dud: … An’ then ‘e said …

Pete: … What’d he come back with?

Dud: ‘E come back, ‘e says, ‘e said “You fuckin’ cunt.”

Pete: You’re jokin’!

Dud: ‘E said, “You call me a …”

Pete: ‘E said “You fuckin’ cunt”?

Dud: ‘E said, “You call me a cunt? You fuckin’ cunt! …” I said, “You f—,” I said, “You fuckin’ cunt.”

Pete: I should ‘ope so. “You fuckin’ cunt …”

Dud: I said, “You fuckin’ cunt.” I said, “You fuckin’ come ‘ere an’ call me a fuckin’ cunt …”

Pete: I should say so.

Dud: I said, “You f—,” I said, “You cunt.” I said, “You fuckin’ cunt.” I said, “‘Oo are you fuckin’ callin’ cunt, cunt?”

Pete: Yeah, what’d ‘e say, cunt?

Dud: ‘E said, “You fuckin’ cunt!”

Pete: Well, you fuckin’ cunt! ‘Oo are you to say to ‘im that ‘e was a fuckin’ cunt?

Dud: Well, what d’you f—, what d’you fuckin’ think, mate? I’m fuckin’ defendin’ my fuckin’ self, aren’t I?

Pete: Well no. ‘E come up to you, call you “cunt,” that’s fair enough, or ‘e said, “You fuckin’ cunt,” an’ you said back to ‘im, “You fuckin’ fuckin’ cunt,” …

Dud: I said, well …

Pete: … well, what d’you expect ‘im to say back, apart from, “You fuckin’ stupid fuckin’ cunt”?

Dud: Well, I don’t … I don’t expect nothin’, do I?

Pete: No …

Dud: But the cunt come back with, “You fuckin’ cunt, cunt.”

Pete: Oh Christ.

Dud: I said, “You cunt?” I said, “You callin’ me a fuckin’ cunt? You fuckin’ …” I said, “You fuckin’ cunt.”

Pete: Jesus Christ, yeah.

Dud: I said, “You …,” I said, “You … you fuckin’ cunt!” …

Pete: Yeah …

Dud: … I said, like that.

Pete: Yeah. You said it, like that, did you? To ‘im.

Dud: Yeah.

Pete: Or was ‘e gone by then?

Dud: No, ‘e fuckin’ ‘it me. F— …

Pete: ‘It you, did ‘e?

Dud: Yeah, fuckin’ cunt.

Pete: Killed you dead, did ‘e?

Dud: No, ‘e … ‘e fuckin’ ‘it me.

Pete: Yeah, …

Dud: I said …

Pete: … well …

Dud: I said …

Pete: … you can’t blame ‘im, can you?

Dud: I said, “You … you rotter.”

Pete: Yeah.

Dud: An’ ‘e … ‘e went off.

Pete: Did ‘e?

Dud: An’ ‘e said, “You cunt,” again.

Pete: Well, that’s the only way to deal with ‘im, isn’t it?

Dud: Yeah, well, I showed ‘im, didn’t I?

Pete: Yeah, well, you ‘ad to, didn’t you? You ‘ad to stand up for what you stood for, didn’t you?

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